This morning, my thoughts were crystal clear. No pun intended, she did have some clear ass skin though. While smoking a half burned Newport 100, “ I’m completely invested in this process even when it gets rough after a ridiculously long day of teaching disadvantaged students. The women are going to love this. I know i’m capable of becoming a world renowned writer & artist. Anyhow, the most important factor of this process of an endeavor, is that the videos, books, art, & services that I provide are going to be the help that I never had. The money and women are a good bonus though”, I thought. Admittedly, the thoughts arrived to my mind in that particular sequential order. My priorities are a little fucked up. One out of the three of those intentions are pure. I’m just being honest here.
My HBCU is a beautiful…shit hole. There’s pot holes everywhere, leading to my dirt covered apartment/ dormitory building. Weave, trash, & discarded fast food bags scatter across the grass in the wind. I contribute to the dirt pile every now and then, sometimes my dog shits and I just don't feel like picking the shit up. The lush grass is already covered with shit, whats a little dog shit going to hurt. In fact, it’s good for the grass. Terrible for the aesthetic, but, great for the grass.
Somehow the trash is discouraging yet, comforting. Like the menacing red and blue lights of a police car stopping students for going to class or work at Delaware State University. Like the unwarranted stoppages, the trash reminds me of the uncertain reality of not only my own, but every other depressed mother fucker living in my complex. Interpretation is subjective, isn't it?
The trash probably got there because people were so busy fucking their youthful pain away, the trash got SO high and insurmountably uncontrollable, it ended up over powering the trash bag and bursting through the bottom, or tipping over the top of the fucking trash can while some hungover; overworked chicken head stumbled to the dumpster.
I’ve never seen tragedy look so sexy. Half of the time, the chocolate queens are wearing grey, cotton material shorts that are one squat away from exploding. Revealing the perfection that is black ass. I’d never be able to see this shit at an ivy league school where the women have virtues and such because both parents were critically involved in their upbringing.
So I finish smoking my cigarette.
I haven’t had a decent conversation in days. Partly because I’m depressed and isolate myself from people for days/weeks at a time. Also, partly because every time I have a conversation with someone about whats going on with life, because checking in on how someone is doing, I mean actually doing doing matters most…right? Most of the time, people just don’t know what to say, as if they have never experienced a bout of depression. According to the national institution of mental health, 16.2 million adults in the U.S have experienced at least one major depressive episode in a given year. Thats 6.7 % of the population. 70,000 people have been tested positive for the corona virus & its considered a fucking pandemic. Maybe my math is terrible, but i’m pretty positive that 16.2 million people thinking that life isn't worth it, is a little more concerning than obese elderly, or people with aids, who's immune system couldn't stop at a stop sign.
I thought my priorities were fucked up.
Anyhow, interactions with people recently have fucking sucked, not because I suck, nor because I think they suck. But because I don't suck, but I think I do because someone who actually sucks, who doesn’t think they do, thinks I suck. ( Because thats what people who lack empathy and curiosity do - suck the fucking soul out of our depressed bodies). If you’re reading this to be less of a suck, great for you! Heres what not to say or do the next time you ask your friend or loved one “ Hows it going”:
Don’t downplay their depression
Depression is extremely uncomfortable and emotionally draining. Its an internal experience that’s inherently complex and very hard to explain linguistically in an existential sense. Simply put, some people’s brains are made of shit and don’t understand your depression, it’s not your fault. Depression is just as common as a physical illness but it’s often associated with a sense of guilt and inadequacy. Physical illness is just as unmanageable as mental illness. According to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and kidney diseases, as of 2015, 30.3 million people in the United States, or 9.4 percent of the population, had diabetes. More than 1 in 4 of them didn’t know they had the disease. Diabetes affects 1 in 4 people over the age of 65. About 90-95 percent of cases in adults are type 2 diabetes. Whereas in 2015 43.8 million people were recorded to have symptoms of mental illness, one in five adults in the United States have suffered from some sort of mental illness according to the National Institute of mental health. More people in the United States have depression than diabetes, one of the most common physical illnesses. And it is just as debilitating.
The irony is, the individuals who cannot comprehend the depression as common illness are the intellectually inadequate ones, not the introspective individuals suffering from an illness just as common as diabetes. Theres a reason for this amass of ignorance. Mental health is not typically a subject woven into the fabric of American school curriculums. Many initiatives have been made over the years in order to incorporate a couple of health lessons in a handful of health classes, but only two states in America require an entire course dedicated to identifying and preventing mental illness; New York and Virginia. (National Alliance on Mental illness). Whereas the entire country of New Zealand is required to incorporate mental health classes in their k-12 curriculum. You might want to stop procrastinating on studying abroad.
For those of you reading this who don’t happen to have depression, i’ll break it down for you. One of the main culprits of depression’s “immanagableness” ( yes I just made that word up ) is anhedonia. Anhedonia is defined as a loss of interest or pleasure. Dr. Jun Kim, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at George Washington University sums up its effect in day to day life: “ it can be a vicious cycle, since anything you could do to improve your mood no longer seems to help, & may sometimes even worsen it since you notice the difference & lack of benefit; anhedonia can be one of the most serious signs of depression.
In the defense of the ignorant American school system, there are many high functioning people with major depressive disorder. Over 6.7% of adults in the united states- 16.2 million; endure at least one major depressive episode. The dilemma of high functioning depression, or desthemss may be harder to detect than major depressive disorder because the people living with it are often high achievers who think everything is all right all the time. On top of that, misunderstandings in peoples behavior can lead less informed people to assume that something is that is not. A perfect example of how we fundamentally suck at talking to strangers is the Sandra Bland case. The police officer misread Sandra Bland’s body language as disrespect due to ignorance that resulted in her arrest. If you would like a deeper understanding of how to talk to strangers and embrace the complexities of individuality, check out the book “ Talking to strangers” by Malcolm Caldwell. Here are some things that you shouldn't say to probe how debilitating someones depression is:
Yes, theres good days. Then, theres bad ones
Comments